It’s Saturday morning in 1989 and the world couldn’t look brighter, despite the fact that the sun isn’t even up yet. It doesn’t matter, with my parents still in the bed the TV is mine to command, so I wander into the living room wearing my Batman PJs and turn on the tube. I love the high-pitched whine that accompanies the click of the dial as the television images slowly fade into view. It’s almost as if the boxy wood-paneled machine is waking up too. Let the adventure begin.

6:30am

As I turn the larger dial below to flip through the channels I realize that it’s so early, the exciting Saturday Morning Cartoons I look forward to every week aren’t even on yet. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to settle for old black and white re-runs of The Little Rascals and The 3 Stooges. 

They’re not as cool as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but Alfalfa and Curly really do get me chuckling with their silliness. “I’m the barber of Seviiiiiile” SMACK, tomato in the face. Poor Alfalfa. Maybe this is where Fozzy Bear on Muppet Babies got the idea for being pelted by squishy, red vegetables.

7am

Well, while I’m waiting for the good cartoons to start I might as well get myself something to eat. Today breakfast is a special event because I managed to convince my Mom to let me buy Cap’n Crunch cereal, “just this one time”. I’ve been seeing the Cap’n Crunch commercials for years while suffering through a bowl of Cheerios, so it’s time to see what all the fuss is about. I mean, the guy teamed-up with Spider-Man in comic book ads to fight The Sogmaster, so this must be a sugar cereal worth fighting for. Here it goes.

Ugh, this stuff is kind of bland. I mean, I can taste the sugar and they weren’t lying about the crunch part, but this is not what I thought it would be. OW! These innocent looking crispy nuggets have little jagged edges on them, I think I just cut the roof of my mouth. Mom was right, this sugar cereal is bad for you. I better not tell her though or I may never find out what Lucky Charms taste like. Well, back to channel surfing.

8am

Awesome, A Pup Named Scooby-Doo is on ABC! It’s like they knew I already liked regular Scooby-Doo and then shrunk everybody down to my size. Great job, Hanna-Barbera. I like this show a lot more than Flintstone Kids, Shaggy and Scooby are way cooler than Fred and Barney. But I do like Flintstone Vitamins quite a bit, so I guess those guys from Bedrock are OK.

Let me just flip over and see what’s on CBS. Yes, Muppet Babies! As much as I enjoy Scooby, my heart belongs to Gonzo and the gang. It's technically for little kids, but they have been entertaining me for all these years. Alright, it’s the episode where they find out about family trees and Rowlf tells the story of his ancestor, Rowlfgang Amadogus Mozart. “Play it for us Rowlfgang Amadogus, play it for us Rowlfgang, Ow-ow-a-woooooo!” They always have the best songs.

9:30am

Oh commercial time, let’s see what new toys are coming out now. Ghostbusters figures! I can’t wait for my Mom to take me to see the new movie in theaters this summer. Wait, are they fighting Dracula? Frankenstein? Those aren’t from the cartoon, those are just the boring old monster movie guys. They must be running low on ideas. Boooring. 

Beach Blast Barbie? As much as I would never own one of these, Barbie commercials are always fun to watch and that Barbie ice cream maker toy looks awesome. They really need to make one of those for He-Man, so I can feel OK about buying it.

10am

Now my Mom is doing laundry. She wants to know why I am eating Cheerios again instead of the Cap’n Crunch I begged her for. I tell her I’m saving it for a special occasion. Oh, a commercial for Super Golden Crisp, that’s the one I should have chosen. Cap’n Crunch is an old man, of course he doesn’t know what kids like to eat. Now Sugar Bear is one cool dude and I bet his cereal tastes awesome. Oh well, let me check out what’s on NBC today. Wait, what’s this? Captain N: The Game Master...no way, it’s a Nintendo cartoon!

So cool. He wears a controller for a belt buckle and uses the Zapper gun from Duck Hunt as a real weapon. This is awesome, but why is Mega Man green and not blue? More importantly, why is the guy from Castlevania wearing Han Solo’s winter coat from The Empire Strikes Back? Doesn't matter, it's video games! I can’t believe I get to watch the Super Mario Bros Super Show after school on weekdays and now this awesome adventure on Saturday mornings. Nintendo is the best.

I better flip back to ABC to make sure I’m not missing anything. No, it’s just the end of Slimer and the Real Ghostbusters. This show is for babies now since they made Slimer the star. They changed the animation style to look more cartoony and the action is like Looney Tunes. Speaking of which, it looks like the The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show is starting. Why do they even show these cartoons anymore, nobody wants to watch this stuff.

11am

Oh yeah, it’s Hey Vern, It’s Ernest. This show is so weird and I love it. Know whuttimean? Look Ernest is telling jokes with an adult head on a baby body. Now we’re going inside his mouth and his tongue is talking to us before getting splatted with gross food. Hahaha! Now Ernest is getting a crazy haircut. Why does he keep going to that barber? There is something so weird about Ernest’s Auntie Nelda, with that thing around her neck, but she’s still funny for some reason.

Now Lonnie Don is showing us how to make weird noises with our mouths in his School of Hollywood Sound Effects. This show moves so fast, it’s hard to keep up sometimes. It’s time for another episode of “My Father, the Clown”, somebody’s gonna get pied or seltzered, I just know it. Pee-Wee’s Playhouse is fine, but there is nothing wackier than Ernest on TV right now. I hear he’s gonna go on that new ride called Splash Mountain at Disneyland soon and they’re gonna show it on TV. That will be cool.

Noon

Oh no, everything is switching over to sports or live action movies based on books like Mouse on A Motorcyle. Why does this always happen? Every Saturday is the same, I get 4 hours of awesome cartoons and then they kill it with golf. GOLF! The most non kid-friendly sport of all. Wide World of Sports? Unless their talking Roller Derby or Pro Wrestling, there is absolutely nothing I want to see here.

Oh well, I guess it’s time to get dressed and ride my bike. I’m pretty good at jumping curbs now and maybe that kid down the street who has The Legend of Zelda gold cartridge will let me come over to his house and play it. If not, at least I can get to look at his Nintendo Power magazines.

Man, why can’t every day be like Saturday morning?