Voice Over: Ladies and gentlemen, toys and dolls make some noise for your hostess cupcake, the one and only, Miss M!

 

Cheers erupt as Miss M steps out to greet her audience.

 

Miss M: Hey everyone! I’ve got a fun show today. We’ve got a special hunk of a guest and I’m just thrilled with what my make up team did with my hair. Orko, my hair magician, really spun something magical on my head today. He says he was inspired by icing and Swift Wind. Either way, let’s get this show started with some hot toy talk!

 

Miss M: Whew! The one thing I love about this show is all the dirt my team brings up for me. I love sharing all the hijinks of your favorite toys. It’s just magic. So I’ve got some sad news to report. Jean Grey has been enraged that her most recent figure has become a bit of a rarity in stores, and sadly, her rage has brought out the Dark Phoenix in her.

 

Miss M: News outlets have been reporting that her madness has been spreading all over the galaxy and that if anyone spots her on the loose that they remain indoors and do not try to confront her. She has an appetite that could disrupt the fabric of the universe. Wow. Poor Jean. That sounds rough.

 

Miss M: What are your thoughts on plastic surgery? Word on the toy aisle is that Skeletor is going to be undergoing the very first toy face transplant! When asked what new sort of face he was hoping to have, this was his response:

 

Skeletor: I am Skeletor! My new face will be fearsome and will scare that miserable He-Man and his twit-sister She-Ra. The secrets of Grayskull will soon be mine!

 

Miss M: His highly publicized transplant surgery is scheduled to begin sometime in the beginning of 2014. Toy Talk will certainly keep you posted. Now let’s move on to our next story. Has anyone seen the California Raisins lately? That’s what the Food and Drug Administration is asking as it has been a few months since they were last seen anywhere. Here is the last known photo of them…

 

Miss M: The thing that concerns me is that sitting under the sun is bad for your skin, especially for raisins. And why is Sour Grapes in the photo? If you ask me, I am willing to bet that the California Raisins can be found in her kitchen. Just sayin.

 

Miss M: All right, enough of the toy gossip, let’s get ready for our guest. He has just written a conspiracy theory novel about the impending zombie apocalypse courtesy of a shady corporation, give a warm applause for Chris Redfield!

 

Chris Redfield steps out onto the stage with a bit of caution. Striking quite the look of rugged charm, he makes his way to Miss M.

 

Miss M: Wow, you look really nice in person! I love this whole tactical look.

Chris: Thanks.

Miss M: Please let’s sit. We have so much to discuss.

Chris: Sure. What’s with the thing on your head? I was watching from backstage and I can’t figure it out.

Miss M: (gives a goofy smile) Oh goodness! Yes, it’s a unicorn horn bump-it.

Chris: What is that?

Miss M: My hair magician wanted to put a clip in my hair that looked like I’d have a unicorn horn. It’s the height of dorky fashion.

Chris: Ok. I don’t know much about fashion.

Miss M: That’s perfectly fine! You do know about zombies though. I was reading over your book the other night, and I was completely blown away. You make some outrageous claims.

Chris: I had to tell the truth. The zombie apocalypse is coming and it is being brought to us by the Umbrella Corporation.

Miss M: Ya know, I don’t think I’ve heard of them before. What do they specialize in?

Chris: They produce a lot of household products to unsuspecting consumers while secretly they are actually creating bioengineered weapons among other deadly things.

Miss M: Yes. You mention in your book that this corporation actually unleashed an outbreak of zombies and other beasts in a city, yet there has never been any evidence of this. Were you there?

Chris: Yes. I was. I lost friends. I saw a lot of good people die at the hands of these monsters. That’s why I’m here today; I want to spread the word about what is going on in this world.

Miss M: It sounds riveting. How do you respond to the people that think you are a crackpot and are making this all up?

Chris: What else can I do? There is a real danger out there. The world is not safe.

Miss M: This is true, the world does certainly feel like a dangerous place, but honestly, I had a hard time believing a great deal of what you wrote in this book. It was a stunning read, but it seemed like it was from the plot of a video game or something.

Chris: (looks away) Oh no.

 

A dog wanders onto set.

 

Miss M: Oh my goodness! How did this dog get on set? Can we get someone to escort the dog out of here? My goodness! That is one mangy looking dog.

Chris: It’s happening.

Miss M: (looks slightly scared) What’s happening?

 

The dog growls as blood and bile ooze out of his mouth.

 

Miss M: Oh no! It’s going to ruin the floor!

Chris: Sit back!

 

Miss M shrieks as Chris pulls out his big guns.

 

Miss M: What in the world?! Where were you hiding those?!

Chris: Just sit back!

Chris fires at the zombie dog blowing him to bits.

Miss M: Grody! You just killed that dog! Oh goodness, this is a mess. I can’t take losing anymore dogs. What kind of stunt are you trying to pull?

Chris: This isn’t a stunt. We are in danger. Come on, we gotta get out of here.

Miss M: We can’t just leave in the middle of a show! Crap, I’m going to lose my job.

Chris: You are gonna lose your life if you continue to stick around here.

 

They get ready to exit the set when they hear a strange sound.

 

Miss M: Huh?

Chris: Oh this is bad.

 

Miss M: (looks at a zombie) Oh no! That’s the studio security guard Bruce! I just spoke to him an hour ago!

Chris: He’s not speaking anymore.

 

Miss M: He offered me that donut for breakfast! I can’t believe he is a zombie! There goes his social life. Chris, do something!

 

Chris fires off his gun. The zombie keeps approaching.

 

Chris: I can’t get a clean shot. Stand back.

 

Miss M is pushed over near the dog parts.

 

Miss M: Oh grody. My poor shoes are getting dog goo on them. So grody.

Chris: (calls back to her) Send me the bill.

Miss M: I will!

 

Chris keeps firing, but suddenly someone fires a powerful blast from the other side, blowing the zombie to bits.

 

Miss M: What was that!

Chris: I don’t know.

 

Suddenly, a new guest arrives: Jill Valentine!

 

Jill: All right you turkeys, it’s time to go!

Chris: Jill, how did you find me?

Jill: Easy goofball, you’re on television. Come on, before Umbrella sends any more crap after us.

Chris: All right. We still need to find my sister. Oh, and Miss M is coming with us.

Miss M: Hi.

Jill: Sup. I like your show.

Miss M: Oh thanks! If we get out of this alive, I’d be happy to autograph something for you.

Jill: No, that’s cool. Come on!

 

As they prepare to leave the set, one more visitor decides to show up.

 

Miss M: Oh wow, is that a spider?

Chris: Get back M, you aren’t prepared to handle this.

Jill: This thing is blocking our path!

 

Spider: HISS!

 

Miss M: I didn’t know spiders could hiss.

 

Suddenly the spider hatches open its backside and unleashes a sting of slimy baby spiders all over Miss M. She can only scream over and over, in a very shrill way.

 

Miss M: I can’t breathe. I think I’m going to throw up. Hurry and get these baby spiders off me before they lay eggs in my cheek! I’m too pretty for this! HELP!!!

 

Jill: (stomps out the bug) She’s a bit melodramatic Chris.

Chris: True, but she’s funny. (helps Miss M up) You’re gonna be all right.

Miss M: I don’t understand why this is happening. How are we going to get out of this?

Jill: Very easily. We’ve got enough ammunition to bust our way out. I’ve got a car outside waiting, we have to go. Now!

Miss M: Have you guys ever worked for Toy Biz? I feel like I’ve seen you two together before.

Chris: M, we really need to go. Ditch the dorkette stuff for when we are alive.

 

Miss M: (looks up to her cameraman) Cameraman Phil, you heard them. We’re cutting the show early. Fade to commercial, we’re out! I better make it out alive…

 

To be continued?