I don't know what any of you are talking about...

I was such a nerd.  Definitely not one of the cool kids:

• I didn't get new video games, see cool movies, or have cable.  
• I felt really goofy and self-conscious walking into school each morning and a lot of the other kids made fun of me.  

Are these two things related?  Perhaps...probably...OK, yes, they were.  Here are just a few of the things I missed out on.

I doubt any movie is more revered among baby Gen-Xers.  I had to hear about it secondhand, instead of seeing it.  My friend Tommy had to explain to me how you can go back to the future, three times, before I got it.  I waited years, until we got a VCR, before I could finally see it for myself.  My parents were out, I had the house to myself, and I was finally able to watch Back to the Future.  Try to imagine the excitement of a weird and mostly friendless kid who has never experienced excitement before.  Watching this movie was a turning point for me.  But there were a few parts I didn't understand.  For instance, I had to ask my father what "To be continued" means.




I think that's because George said it.  At his moment of transformation to having some confidence and being a hero.  And he was the loser.  And so was I.

Cable TV

I didn't know about the cool shows.  Heck, I didn't even know what MTV was!  Occasionally I would see some show at a friend's house, but that was pretty rare because most of the time was spent either playing outside or playing Nintendo.  It's hard to wax philosophic about Inspector Gadget when you've only seen it a few times.  He-Man and the Masters of the Universe portrayed mysterious realms and characters about which I knew exactly zip.  Transformers: more than ever met my eye.


At least I was able to participate on the playground, which consisted of Gary proclaiming "OK I'm Liono, Andy's Panthro, shakin steak is Grune, and Jeff is Wilykat."  (I do not know the characters' names.  I had to look up the show on Wikipedia to write that.)  And then we would all split up and run around.  I would go down the slide or something, and the other kids might run between the swings, around the see-saw, or through the sandbox.  Then we would reconvene, shout "ThunderCats Ho!" and run off again.

That is how you play ThunderCats.  And to this day, that is all I know about ThunderCats.

Heavy metal

Waiting for the school bus, there were two kids at my stop.  The other one was named Mark, and he lived a few blocks away from me.  He was older, and he wore t-shirts of bands like Slayer, Guns 'n' Roses, and Metallica.  I was a total dweeb, and a little bit scared of him.  I didn't know anything about those bands, or any other bands, or how to find out.  I certainly couldn't ask him.  I didn't even listen to music at all until high school.  Shameful!  


Mark was also into skateboarding.  Goddammit, why couldn't I be friends with him?  I wish I had got into skating then.  It was so cool.  I wish I could skate now.

Horror movies

I also remember the other kids talking about Hellraiser, Candyman, and Nightmare on Elm Street.  I think Freddy was cooler than Jason, because they didn't talk about Friday the 13th as much.  But it didn't matter, because I didn't get to see any of this stuff.  One night, I had a friend come for a sleepover, and we went to Video Towne and rented The Toxic Avenger.  We had one TV in the house, and it was in the living room.  We tried to watch the movie while my mother sat on the couch, doing her crossword puzzle and grumbling.  After fifteen minutes of boobs and blood, I couldn't take it any more.  "I don't think you kids should be watching this," over and over and over again.  I gave in and turned it off.  Of course, now I watch all the gore and horror movies.  Nice try, Mom!



My parents aren't even religious, so I don't know where all this stifling lack of permissiveness came from.  But despite their best attempts to ruin me, I somehow came out all right.  Yeah, I'm cool now.  

...kind of.