RetroDaze

I'm on
the naughty
list.

OFFICIAL

Back To The Future Memories

RETRORATING: 11

Random Dukes of Hazzard Merchandise

RETRORATING: 15

McDonald's 80's New Menu Items

Don't mess
with the bull.
JOIN!!!

3 COMMENTS

RETRORATING: 3

FAVORITED 1 TIMES

Hanson MMMBopped Their Way Into Our Lustful Hearts

By: MikeCovers

If you were a heterosexual guy in the late 1990s, you know for a fact that it happened to you: you discovered that you were bisexual, albeit temporarily.

It happened to me (and I have since gone on to identify myself with the far more accurate label of "pansexual," that is being attracted to a person regardless of what gender they may identify as). It happened to my friends (not sure how many of them became pansexual; since they have to lead lives in working class, Republican-controlled suburbs, my guess is none). It happened to us all.

It's OK to admit it.

What am I talking about, you ask?

Well, it began with this:

In the late 1990s, pop artists like Britney Spears and N*Sync were singing songs with the lyrical and melodic depth of a puddle--and of course entertaining people all over the world. Somewhere out there, some producer discovered that, while repetitive, shallow fare like "Baby One More Time" and "Bye Bye Bye," was indeed lucrative, it was poisoning--possibly alienating--its dimwitted pop music fanbase with horrible, actual WORDS.

Naturally, this couldn't happen. Idiots need to spend that money!

So, the producer decided to see if a band could sell zillions of copies of their album that was capped with a song that was titled with a completely nonsensical, non-existent word.

It worked. "MMMBop" was born.

Sorry to get that stuck in your head again.

MMMBop propelled Hanson to the top of every chart out there, including the periodic table. They appeared on MTV (which actually still had something to do with music back then) and on numerous talk shows, waxing philosophic on what, exactly, "MMMBop" really meant. They were more exposed than a nude celebrity photo in late 2014 (rim shot).

And totally heterosexual guys like my friends and I caught glimpses of them here and there and made remarks like "Hey, those girls are pretty hot." The youngest member of Hanson, with long, blondish hair, was almost certain to be a future supermodel. We began to fantasize about taking one of them to prom.

There was only one issue: Hanson is an all-male group.

Zac, Taylor, and Isaac Hanson are all (anatomically correct) (presumably) brothers. Back in the late 1990s, they just happened to resemble cute girls, both physically and vocally.

Once we guys figured this out, we were taken aback.

WAY aback.

We grew up in the suburbs, so the entertainers we were exposed to had always took on definite, traditional cis-male (or cis-female) appearances. Sure, the weenies in N*Sync and Backstreet Boys appealed to the female teeny-bopper demographic, but at least they all LOOKED like guys. Not to mention the fact that they were introduced to us by the corporate overlords as the buzzword "boy bands" almost immediately upon their arrival in the Billboard Top 100. There was no confusion.

What's more, we had no context clues. Look at other popular bands of the time: Backstreet BOYS. Beastie BOYS. BOYZ II MEN. There was no question what gender each of these groups contained. But Hanson? We had no way of knowing that they were the Hanson boys/brothers!

As you can see, the brothers Hanson have since grown up and took on noticeably male appearances. If they ever happen to become popular again, at least the young, straight guys of today will have no trouble whatsoever distinguishing between them and, for example, those adorable One Direction girls.

Wait...One Direction is NOT made up of women?!

Looking for more from MikeCovers?

READ 94639 TIMES

pikachulover Posted on Sep 10, 2014 at 09:48 PM

I didn't really care about Hanson. A bunch of the girls in my 8th grade class went crazy for them and wrote "Hanson" on their backpacks in whiteout.

If you are interested you should find the Madtv Hanson parody skit. They have a song called "Ling Ling" in the skit.

Hoju Koolander Posted on Sep 10, 2014 at 06:40 PM

Man, that totally happened to me. This was my own personal "The Crying Game" moment.I remember switching on MTV, seeing this "hot chick" playing keyboards and feeling my hormones rev. Then the next day at school I heard someone talking about those "Hanson brothers that sing Mmm-Bop" and it blew my mind. Glad to know I wasn't alone in my confusion, haha.

Vaporman87 Posted on Sep 10, 2014 at 05:08 PM

Ha! A few good zingers in there!

Thankfully for me, I was neither confused or impressed by Hanson. I knew they were males, and I knew I hated their music. Yes, the song was catchy. But terrible songs can be catchy... Banana Phone???

Again, thankfully, these lads have grown up, and perhaps if they do start making music again, their music will have grown up also. Time will tell.

Autism and video games: A connection

Being diagnosed with aspergers at the age of two, I never had the thought of how different I was from the other kids I befriended during my childhood....

Favorite childhood toys growing up

Throughout the decade of my childhood, I had toys that came and went but many which shaped my youth, whether it was the simple building of LEGO or the...

A Closer Look at: The 25 Days of Christmas

With the holidays here it's a joyus time of year normally. However with the year of 2020 things have been one event&...

The prelude to Autumn

In the span of only a few months, the summer season is over. We've had our fill of a vacation in the heat, but it's back to the drawing b...

This is What Halloween Looks Like

Years ago, on one of my first yard sale trips, I stumbled across a tabletop pumpkin blow mold for one dollar. I had no idea what it was, but I kne...

MOST RECENT RETRORATING FEATURED OFFICIAL

Go to page: