I cannot deny the HUGE amount of time syndicated re-runs of NBC teen sitcom, Saved By The Bell took up in my pre and early teen years from 1989-1996. I would rush home from school every day to catch the back to back 2:30 and 3pm airings of Zack and the gang’s wacky high school hijinks on WGN (a Chicago station that for some reason was Channel 8 in Southern California) and then switch over to TBS for another hour of ogling Kelly Kapowski. That’s 2 hours a day, 10 hours a week, 40 hours a month that my homework was neglected and Top Ramen ingested, while I dreamed of being a Bayside Tiger clad proudly in maroon. So, what did Zack, Slater, Kelly, Jessie, Lisa, Screech and sometimes Tori have that I wanted to so badly?

Like the song says they were, “Friends Forever”, looking out for each other “through it all, hangin’ tough”, they single-handedly ran the school from sports, the student government, to troublemaking and plus, hot girls as friends? YES PLEASE! What kid wouldn’t want that? It wasn’t until I passed through my own Freshman to Senior experiences that I realized the cracks in the façade of these seemingly perfect student bodies. What follows is my observations of Saved By The Bell through the lens of life experience, no sparkly pink dream borders here, it’s time to get real!

Zack Morris, Serial Offender

I don’t know about you, but given how often Zack betrayed the confidence of his friends, I wouldn’t have hung around the guy for very long. This blond sociopath implemented some seriously demented money-making schemes that basically involved exploiting the women in his life. For example, remember when Mr. Morris pimped out the entire female student body as softcore 900 number models/private escorts instead of producing the video yearbook he was assigned to compile?

Just for the sake of those who may not have been around at the time, if you watched TV after Midnight from the 80’s to the late 90’s you were bound to catch a commercial showing attractive women talking on the phone with the promise that you could join in the “exciting conversation” if you paid $2.99 a minute. That’s the kind of verbal prostitution this kid signed up all his classmates for, plus the promise of companionship and all this using their home phone numbers! Some may ironically say that Zack Morris was a pimp, except in this case it’s literally true!

Now I’m all for giving someone a second chance and chalking it up to poor judgment or being hopped up on too much Jolt cola, but the next year the guy turned around and did the exact same thing. In the episode, “Model Students” Screech is talked into pulling some serious “creeper” duty by taking photographs of the girls swim team practice. It would have been bad enough if this was for Zack’s “private viewing”, but instead he turns it into a swimsuit calendar that he sells in the student store! Now I can’t say that 12 year old me didn’t want the cardboard cutout of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen he used to promote said calendars, but still, that’s a messed up thing to do to your friends.

Speaking of which, those cutouts always bothered me, because this was calendar was supposedly comprised of pervy secret photographs that Screech took, but Lisa, Jessie and Kelly are obviously posed and fully aware of the situation. I call shenanigans on their indignancy and the less said about Mr. Belding’s head on Elizabeth Berkley’s body the better. But the bottom line is, Zach is the ultimate greedy chauvinist, hardly worthy of the hoots and hollars the studio audience lavished on him when he entered the screen.

Verbal Abuse or No Wonder Screech Wrote That Book

The steady transformation of Screech from dweeby social outcast to mentally challenged cartoon character is something that always fascinated and frustrated me. In the first season of the show, Samuel Powers is an awkward and insecure young man with some strange hobbies, but is by no means the schizophrenic freak he is to become by his junior and senior years. Yet everyone in his core group of friends seems hell-bent on making him feel like the sludge from grease catcher at The Maxx. The reason I love the early days of the Screech character is that it was great seeing how feisty he was. In those days he used to fight back in exchanges like this one:

Compare that kind of witty jab to the later episode dialogue that pretty much had the young geek shouting “Zoinks” in a close-up while twisting his face like a stroke victim or crying like a baby at the loss of a beret and you scan see that something traumatic must have occurred to the boy. Sure you could chalk it up to the time Screech got struck by lightning or the fumes from the science class mishap that resulted in his less-than-successful zit-removal cream, but I think it’s pretty obvious that this is a case of social mental conditioning from his supposed “friends”. 

Seriously, how often was the poor kid called a “Doofus”, an “Idiot” or had someone furl their brow in disgust at him? You can add to that the fact that is masculinity was being challenged on a daily basis by Lisa Turtle’s constant rejection, but even his book smarts were called into question in the S.A.T. episode. Good grades and being a mad genius were all Screech had going for him (he did build a sentient robot after all), but then Zack gets a 1502 on his test while the young Mr. Powers scores a paltry 1220? 

Not only does Jessie’s tantrum get the focus from the group, while Screech is left to suffer in solitude, but in the College Years he ends up at the same dum-dum California school as Zack and Slater! Talk about lost potential. Is it any wonder that by the end of the series he seems to be in his own little world, with the group mostly ignoring him or groaning away his nonsensical interjections? He went from being acknowledged only when verbally assaulted to simple neglect. Remember, only YOU can prevent Screech abuse.

You may wonder why I’m such a “Screech Awareness Activist” (note: I’m not a fan of his alter ego, Dustin Diamond), well the truth is I was Screech! Well, I was a bit of a social misfit I should say. I was pretty spazzy, prone to quoting TV and singing loudly to get attention just about anywhere. I also never got the girl, at least in Elementary school.

In fact, in 4^th grade I chased an African-American girl I thought was cute around the playground with a plastic ring I won playing skee-ball, all the while asking her to be my girlfriend. When the ring didn’t work I tried the logic of, “We can be like Lisa and Screech on Saved by the Bell!” Of course if I had taken a second to look at the situation I was in, we were EXACTLY like Lisa and Screech. While I may have had more in common with the Samuel Powers, I realize now that it was A.C. Slater I should have been looking up to.

Was Slater the Best of the Bunch?

The show wanted us to root for Zack, but his small list of offenses above should make it clear why that’s not a good idea and though I sympathize with Screech, that story can only end in a mail-order bride situation. Jessie was neurotic and preachy, Kelly was always playing the field, I mean: Slater, Zack, Johnny Dakota and that college guy, Jeff? Lisa’s shallow materialism was nothing a child should be emulating and Tori, well, she was more man than I’ll ever be!

Now look at Slater. Sure he was a bit of a macho meat-head, but the guy was also sentimental and sincere. Remember when his pet chameleon, Arnie died while he was away? He shed genuine tears for that little guy. How about when the gang wouldn’t even let him know how terrible he was at sportscasting on KKTY (someone should wave a Skunk in front of him) and all he wanted was the truth. He valued honesty and was willing to accept reality, how many TV characters can you say that about? Though he took a lot of attitude from his “Mama”, Slater was really trying to woo Jessie with compliments and even did ballet for her to apologize! As a married man I am telling you there is nothing a woman appreciates more. Well not the ballet…the other stuff.

In all seriousness, I believe that the show should have revolved around Slater. His upbeat attitude and obvious commitment to physical fitness made him the perfect role model for young teens. Plus, a Hispanic kid as the lead of a TV show, totally progressive. They could have called it The Book of Bayside or Master of Mullets, it would focus on a young Army brat learning to make it at a new school and teaching the preppy California kids that there is a world beyond the beach. That’s the kind of show I would want my kid to watch, not the ridiculous stereotypes and goofball adventures of a smooth-talking schemer and his Bayside buddies…but it’s definitely what I want to watch!

Saved By The Bell may not have us with great role models or morals that really made a lot of sense given the proper perspective, but boy was it about the most fun a kid could have on a weekday afternoon. There’s a reason I can type over 1,700 snarky words about a show that’s been off the air for 20+ years, it was the ultimate high school fantasy and deserves its place among my favorite memories of childhood entertainment. Now say it with me, B-b-b-b-bbb-b, B-b-b-b-bbb-b, GO BAYSIDE!