Crushes as remembered by me in my early youth, a requiem.

From a young age I was in search of love. At the tender age of four my twin brother and I took turns kissing a little brunette girl in her playhouse that lived just down the street from us where we played frequently because our moms were friends.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so I thought an alien buddy of mine could help us kick start the romance with some tips. What kind of space cadet would pick E.T. as anything to do with Valentine's Day you say? Clearly this guy's brain waves are hampered by his aluminum foil hat as E.T. demonstrably is a Halloween movie that shows costumes and trick-or-treating for cripes sakes!

Well let me just enlighten you, E.T. was a ladies man...er alien and we could learn a lot from him as we spread our relationship wings and learn to fly across the moon.

First let's get into the mood with the gravely piping of Neil Diamond inspired by the E.T. film. My mom, a big Diamond fan would tell you the ladies love him. So turn on your heart lights

First things first, E.T. is a young alien lost and looking for friends, home, and someone to love him. When he is happy his heart glows.

Just like you in your search for love when you finally find it your heart will glow.

While hanging out waiting for Elliott to come home from school E.T. is stuck watching television. A curious psychic connection occurs that telepathically and empathically connects E.T. to Elliott while he is at school.

E.T. flipping channels sees John Wayne kiss Maureen O'Hara in the film The Quiet Man being shown on T.V.

Elliott having a crush on a girl at school grabs her during the pandemonium of him having released all of the frog specimens that were supposed to be dissected.

He firmly plants one on her just as E.T. saw on T.V., with the help of another student chasing frogs on the floor.

He is promptly taken by the science teacher to the principal's office for the day's antics.

In preschool there was a certain blonde, blue-eyed little girl that both me and my brother had a crush on. We would try and convince her to come out to the playground and take turns holding her hand. We tried to kiss her on the cheek but she would run back inside crying. We would go and convince her to come out again and play and hold hands. Part of lesson one is don't kiss the girl unless she is ready to be kissed! Just like Elliott, that will get you into big trouble; as I would find out later. The girl ended up going to another elementary school for kindergarten, and I thought that was the end of that.

A few years later we were bused to a new elementary school for first grade, having moved apartments with my mom since kindergarten. My brother and I were quickly moved ahead a grade because of our reading ability (then held back again at the end of the year by my parents because we were a full head shorter than our classmates so it evened out in the end, basically second grade twice). To my delight the same girl I had a crush on in preschool was now in the 2nd grade class I had been advanced to! She must have had a birthday at the beginning of the year and was a year ahead of us in school. It is unclear if she remembered us from preschool but we remembered her. My brother and I and our buddy all thought she was the bees knees so we followed her around bugging the crap out of her, asking to help her carry her books or hang up her coat in the coat room. She was older and wiser and knew that the opposite sex had cooties and wanted nothing to do with us. Undaunted we complimented her hair, her dress, book bag, and lunch box. To her dismay, my mom (a single working mom) needed a babysitter for us after school until she got home from work, picked her mom as the sitter because they lived in the same apartments! So now after school we dutifully followed her home and were babysat by her mom who insisted we play together. The girl was sufficiently nice to us at home to not earn her mother's wrath but turned a cold shoulder to us at school and attempted to ignore us.

One day in the cafeteria, enough was enough! The girl threw down a challenge as we were wolfing down our food. We had strategically sat at the table next to hers to be near her. She whirled around with a burning glare in her eyes and chin jutted in our direction and laid down her ultimatum! "If you guys really like me, prove it! Or else just leave me alone!" My brother, buddy, and I all stared at each other. Then before I even realized what I was doing I leaned across the space between tables grabbed the back of her head and pulled her in for a kiss straight on the lips! I was surprised and elated at what I had just done! She was just as surprised, or at least in a state of shock, not moving, momentarily stunned at my daring. What audacity, what impudence, what outrageousness?! Regaining her senses, her eyes coming back into focus registered her icy fury as she popped up and marched straight to the lunch lady. While I was being teased by those who thought girls were icky, congratulated and patted on the back by those romantics less courageous than I, and spitefully glared at with daggers of jealousy by my brother and friend, she was spilling her tale of woe to the adult.

I don't know what she said but the lunch lady came steaming back and I was hauled off to the principal's office along with my brother and friend who loudly proclaimed their innocence. I never even was asked my side of the story or even talked to other than, "Move! To the principal's office mister!" I was marched out of the cafeteria with a chorus of K-I-S-S-I-N-G being sung by both tables. At the principal's office it was sorted out. I believe my brother and friend were let loose (although I don't really remember what happened to them). I was given ISS, In School Suspension, and my mom was notified at work. I ended up drawing Clash of the Titans monsters for the rest of the day imprisoned in a little room just off the main office under the secretary's watchful gaze. I went to the babysitter that day and sat alone head held low in shame as the girl regaled her mother with the day's horrendous events and my own brother shunned me. My mother picked us up and a conference of mothers began. When I got home I awaited punishment, none came. I think my mom knew of our crush and may have been secretly tickled by the outcome of her nefarious scheming. A few phone calls were made, we were ordered to leave the girl alone, and a new babysitter was procured. The girl ended up moving away in the fourth grade. While it didn't work out the best for me or Elliott (or the girls for that matter), E.T. fared better. The girl kissed him! What can be learned from his example?

Well, most girls like flowers. When I was a kid you could even get an E.T. figure from Avon with flowers.

E.T. had the ability to sense when someone was hurt physically or emotionally and his finger could light up and he could touch the hurt and make it go away. He would touch your heart and your head, heal the heartache and say, "I'll be right here" reminding you even though he would be far away he would be in your memory. Jeez, E.T. also knows how to break up, well that is a different article. He also knew the value of calling your loved ones.

It is all right there in these promotional glasses from Pizza Hut.

Incidentally, I also had this interestingly designed light up finger extension toy as a child. What in the world were they thinking? It didn't get much play. The battery was in a sealed compartment with no way to change it. It eventually died and stopped glowing. It was only good for chasing people around and creeping them out. It healed nothing. Keep your comments to yourself.

Plus, dude knew how a good hug can go a long way when someone is feeling down.

Let's see... how else did E.T. knew how to woo the ladies? Oh yeah, gifts! How about a little extra terrestrial bling jewelry for your sweetheart?

Giving and sharing candy with your girl.

F.Y.I. even though the candy used in the film was Reese's Pieces, originally it was supposed to M&M's. My alien pal was eating M&M's in the novelized version of the movie and in the original screenplay, but when approached M&M Mars didn't want their product associated with aliens thinking it would be frightening to children (to be fair the movie scared my future wife so badly she peed her pants in the theater at the age of 3). Hershey's didn't have a problem and signed a huge deal to cosponsor merchandise and have their Reese's Pieces in the film, it was incredibly successful for them. I would have preferred M&M's to be the alien's candy of choice because I am allergic to peanuts. The peanut theme even led to the E.T. cereal being peanut butter flavored prohibiting me from ever enjoying any.

Anyways, I had my own non-peanut based E.T. candy back in the day that came in little plastic containers shaped like space men from the corner convenience store.

E.T. was no stranger to stuffed animals.

Giving a stuffed animal to a girl isn't usually a bad idea, just make sure it doesn't look like a shaved monkey made of pleather.

Patience, E.T. has oodles of patience to put up with just about the worst dress up, makeover day with his gal pal ever.

He is now ready for a couple's massage and sauna.

Show her your sweet ride, that will impress her.

It doesn't hurt to know famous people either. It makes sense that the "Moon Man" as Gertie calls E.T. knows the man who made moonwalking famous.

Michael Jackson narrates and sings on the E.T. storybook and soundtrack album.

Maybe that is where our spacey hero got his dating knowledge from, after all Michael Jackson did teach all about love singing ABC 123 with the Jackson 5.

A-B-C it's easy as 1-2-3. Or simple as Do-Re-Mi,

A-B-C 1-2-3 baby you and me girl!

One bad thing about being a twin is that all growing up we liked the same girl. It seemed like nearly every time I had a crush both me and my twin liked the same girl. It must be in the shared DNA. In fact it was the only thing that ever brought us to blows with each other, some real knock-down drag-out knuckle bleeders. We had to share everything else in life, girls were the one thing we wouldn't. The competition was fierce. We even walked girls home from school together.

I remember sitting on the floor with my brother and listening to the Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney song The Girl is Mine from the Thriller album playing on the record player. While listening we read the lyrics on the inside of the album cover and it had several drawings. This one pretty much summed up our struggle.

Michael Jackson says at one point in the song, "I think I told you, I'm a lover not a fighter".