Monsters under the bed get a lot of credit for being the most terrifying thing kids have to deal with growing up, but if you ask me, public embarrassment was by far the worst. Potential harm to our young egos caused the best of us to lie, cry and try our hardest not to be caught in such a situation. One moment of foolishness could lead to years of taunts and exclusion, so proving how cool you were was essential. Well I failed at this quite a bit and as a way of pushing passed this trauma, today I’d like to come clean with a tale of Childhood Embarrassment I’m calling 9021-D'OH!

In 1991 I was starting to notice girls and trying to get them to notice me. Due to some very malformed logic (probably the result of eating too many Shark Bites fruit snacks), I concluded that “being into girl’s stuff” would give us something to talk about and eventually strike up a romance. It was also my assumption that cute girls liked watching Beverly Hills, 90210 aka the hottest new show on TV. I had no concept of the “Friend Zone” or as Mel Gibson revealed to us years later, what women want.

Technically, I did manage to strike up a friendship with pretty girl in my class and we would spend the moments in between Vocabulary Tests talking about the latest drama between Brenda, Dylan, Steve and the rest. Realizing I wasn’t any closer to making out with this girl, I decided to up my game. To show I wasn’t a poser, I started buying the 90210 trading cards, Bubble Gum folders, multiple issues of Tiger Beat and in my most desperate moment a doll.

I’ll never forget convincing my Mom to take a weekday trip to Toys R’ Us and her look of utter shock as I walked out of the aisle holding a Shannon Doherty as Brenda Walsh doll. As we approached the register she was asking things like, "Are you sure this is what you want to spend your money on?” or “There’s nothing else you want more?” Sure, I was questioning the purchase myself, I knew I was crossing the clearly defined line of boys and girls toys as outlined by the schoolyard Gods. But a man in lust does some crazy things and this was my ticket to some serious French kissing, or so I thought.

When we finally got to the cashier, I could feel the people behind me burning a hole in the back of my head with their eyes, each of them in complete judgement of a boy buying a Barbie doll. To cover myself I said out loud, “The girl we’re buying this for is really going to like it”, but my Mom just looked at me in confusion. Then the price rung up on the cash register, “$12.99 for a doll?”, my mom said as she pulled out her check book, “You better really play with this.” NOOO! My cover was completely blown.

With my face turning red and sweat dripping down my brow, I tried to remedy the situation by exclaiming, “No, Mom. HER. SHE’s really going to play with it.” But it was too late. Everybody knew it was mine and I was sure they were going to tape up posters of my face all over school with big, bold letters declaring, “This guy plays with dolls!” The fear of carrying that shame was almost too much to bare, so I made sure to get a dark plastic bag to transport this new source of shame to the car. It was a long ride home.

Needless to say, I bailed on the plan of bringing the Brenda doll to school to share with my crush. In fact, I was so emasculated that I gave up on my plans to woo her altogether. We did hang out at a park after school once, but I was still fearing my secret would get out and didn’t make a move. The only girl in my life now was a little brunette named Brenda and even that didn’t last. I spent one afternoon dressing her in multiple outfits before tossing the doll under my bed in disgust. I could have gotten 2 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figures for what she cost!

So there you have it, public embarrassment, secret shame and a maternal betrayal all in one. So tell me about one of your embarrassing moments. Did you get cursed with a nickname? Did it cost you your social status? Let’s hear it!