Even the best in the business have their off nights. Michael Jordan missed some 3-Point shots, Michael Jackson's Ghosts was no Thriller and 1996's Michael starring John Travolta was just strange. So it's understandable that the Nintendo Entertainment System would have a few clunkers in their game library. What follows are my thoughts on the 5 NES games I have held in the lowest esteem for the last 20 years. You either loved or hated the selections in my last article covering the 5 best, let's see if you want to defend or dog pile on this quintet of crap.
Friday the 13th
Frustration with this game is by no means an original topic of discussion, but as a child I was one of its innocent victims and I must speak out. I rarely rented video games, instead my collection grew slowly over birthdays and holidays. I was an avid movie renter however and as with most young boys I regularly browsed the horror section where the the Friday the 13th franchise both frightened and entranced me. Of course I was never brave (or old) enough to watch the gory mayhem on VHS, so when I saw the Nintendo version on the shelf for rent, I figured it was the safest way to get a peak behind the blood-splattered hockey mask of Jason Voorhees. Somehow 2 minutes of begging wore down my Mom, who agreed to the rental and I was off to the world of 8-bit carnage inhabited by the mute maniac.
Before inserting the game cartridge I was certain I'd be hacking up camp counselors left and right as Crystal Lake's favorite serial killer (the series did have a couple of them after all), but instead I was forced into the role of the victim in more ways than one. In the game you play as a generic human, throwing rocks at zombies and other ghouls until the sun goes down, when Jason shows up to disembowel you. Exciting? Maybe. But until that point you just aimlessly wander through nature trails and explore the occasional vacant home, with zero idea of what you are actually supposed to accomplish. After 10 pointless minutes and eventually being told that "You and your friends are dead", I started to well up with tears. I realized that I had wasted what I was convinced would be my only video game rental ever and Jason was to blame. Yes the game sucks, but the true horror was how it betrayed me.
Excitebike
Many people consider this game a classic and I understand, it's one of the original launch titles for the iconic video game system after all. The box art is thrilling, with the anonymous biker popping a wicked wheelie, but in my experience the love for this game is unfounded. Yes, in theory it's awesome to jump ramps on a dirt bike and revel in your victorious moment as a digitized motocross daredevil, but the truth is that those moments are few and far between after you press start on your controller. Most of the race time is spent trying not to overheat or waiting for your bike to cool off after failing to achieve that goal. Seriously, what kid wants realistic motorbike controls in a video game? It's all about full throttle excitement, baby. Come to think of it, is that feature actually true to life? I have several friends who ride on 2 wheels at high speeds and I've never once heard them complain about having to pull over every 200 feet to let their bikes cool down. It may seem unfair to lay all the blame on a single gameplay function, but just imagine how much more true the name Excitebike have been without the engine temp limitation.
WrestleMania
Who was the bulky, yellow TV star idolized by kids nationwide in 1989? No, not Big Bird, I'm talking about Hulk Hogan, World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion and hero of suckfest, WrestleMania on the NES. Don't get me wrong, I was a big wrestling fan and tuned in regularly to watch over-the-top tough guys like The Honky-Tonk Man and Andre The Giant do battle for my entertainment. That's why the translation to my home video game console was such a disappointment. I mean it was fine if you liked chubby, stiff moving dwarves with back problems, stomping around trying to punch and kick each other on a horizontal plane...oh, that doesn't sound like fun? Well somebody should have told the design department over at Acclaim! Defenders of this title can blame the limitations of an 8-bit system all they want, but the facts will not justify your position. You see, Nintendo had already successfully made a wrestling game back in 1985 called Pro Wrestling that blew this WWF monstrosity out of the water.
For one thing, instead of a wrestling ring awkwardly floating in space and missing ropes on one side as featured in WrestleMania, Pro Wrestling was beautifully laid out with a full on arena view featuring an animated crowd, referee and commentators. The moves were still stiff in Pro Wrestling, but at least they mimicked actual wrestling maneuvers like irish whips, back breakers and suplexes. You could even take the action outside the ring! Meanwhile WrestleMania had these awkward backwards punches and elbows that looked like a 4 year old flailing their arms at a bully to, "Go awaaayyy". The only bone I can throw WWF's first attempt at video games is the character renderings in the selection screens. The digital portraits of Randy "Macho Man" Savage and Bam Bam Bigelow looked pretty good, too bad this was sold as a fighting game and not a screen saver.
The Simpsons: Bart vs. The Space Mutants
Rarely was I ever more excited for a game and never was I more disappointed. It's sad too, because I was/am a HUGE fan of the series since the beginning and every game based on The Simpsons after this one were a lot of fun. I really enjoyed Bart Simpson: Escape from Camp Deadly for the Game Boy and Bartman Meets Radioactive Man was a dream come true, but this first attempt from 1991 was a complicated mess. I appreciated all the in-jokes and references to the show, but there were so many elements to the gameplay, that I couldn't ever figure out when I was winning or even progressing. I'm sure it was all explained in the instruction manual, but who reads the instruction manual? If it's not instinctual, it's just a bad game.
The initial instruction presented on the screen was to spraypaint anything that's purple, red. OK, it's not thrilling, but I could handle it. But then you were also supposed to simultaneously switch into x-ray specs mode to see if passers by were alien imposters and somehow disable them. Meanwhile you were expected to scroll through items/weapons menu to choose the best tool for the task at hand. Why couldn't they just re-create the Konami arcade game that came out the same year in a one player version, where you could select any member of The Simpsons clan to battle through the bad guys?
Top Gun
You may think I have something against licensed games, but I had a lot of fun with The Karate Kid, Chip N' Dale: Rescue Rangers and even odd-ball titles like Remote Control, based on the MTV trivia gameshow. It's just that they promise so much and deliver so little. Top Gun is just more evidence of this. Maverick's loose cannon tendencies translated to a video game? It seemed like such an easy thing to accomplish, all they really had to do was give us the ability to move a jet fighter around the screen and blast "the enemy" out of the sky. They never said it was the Russians, but come on, it was the end of the Cold War and we know who was trying to show off their superior might. Instead of this simple, yet exciting concept, we got the excitement of Re-fueling! Maintaining altitude! Perfect landings! Oh boy...
Yes, there was also the time spent shooting at enemy planes, but the flight simulator aspects really took your attention away from the fun of blasting your rivals to bits. "Am I level? AM I LEVEL?!" Talk about needlessly difficult, landing your jet on the aircraft carrier was next to impossible. Why was it not just a cut scene that ended each mission, instead of the confirmation that I sucked at flying digital F-14A Tomcats? When you think about it, they really didn't need to make the whole game about flying. There were several other elements to the movie. Imagine a level where you dodged traffic Frogger style on your motorcycle while a blonde in a car chases you down, radical! Now consider a recreation of the glistening, shirtless Volleyball competition with Iceman (OK. maybe not that one). But no deal. What we got was more monotonous first person flying and did I mention, Re-fueling? Sorry Maverick, you can be my wingman anytime, but your my last pick for video games.
Well that wraps up this series. I hope you've had fun revisiting these old titles and am interested to hear your experiences with them. Am I just whining or am I justified in my criticism of these lackluster offerings? Sound off below.
