What grown up doesn't look back on their childhood fondly? Birthdays were especially awesome times. Unlike Christmas, this day was solely yours for reaping. No frantic sorting through wrapped up boxes searching for your name written on a sticker. No looking on enviously as your kid brother holds his new Nerf Bow & Arrow overhead triumphantly while you shyly cradle your Jr. Geologist Rock Kit. NO! This was your day and every present lame or cool was yours and no one else got JACK! Of course birthdays weren't always blissful binges of plasticky, electronickey, video gameticky goodness. Sometimes my friend, you rolled snake eyes and that's what I wanted to cover today. We'll look at 5 horrible presents that were so bad they went to the back of the closet faster than you can blow out your candle. So let's roll!




I was actually surprised I found this online. I got this for what was probably my 6th or 7th birthday. I remember opening the flat wrapped present dreading a Doctor Seuss book or pack of color pencils. This was from my grandma so I didn't really have high hopes to begin with. It's basically a book that shows you various dexterous arrangements for making shadow puppets. It came with a small flashlight that interested me more than the book itself. I remember trying the book out that night with limited success but my hands were just too small to produce anything good. I did learn how to do a howling wolf which I still perform to this day when the opportunity presents itself.




Now this present was a Trojan horse. When I tore these bad boys out I was stoked. From the pictures on the box of a kid suspended 10 feet in the air to the commercials showcasing a herd of adolescents bouncing in a park, this was a cool gift. I got the Nickelodeon version which was essentially the same save for a Nick logo decal on the sides. I remember slipping these on and taking a few tentative bounces. Once I acclimated to the boots artificial gravity I decided it was time to fly. I started bouncing forward bunny style and crouched low and sprung with all the power my 9 year old legs could muster. The soaring through air and touching the clouds didn't last quite as long as I suspected and my crash landing didn't help either. I tried them a few more times but the risk of twisting my ankle was just too much. I remember leaving them out in the backyard and the rubber was cracking but decided to give them one last whirl which resulted in a teeth clattering crunch as the rubber broke and my feet slammed to the ground. And that was that.






I knew what this was before opening it, sort of. A video game, any kid knew the shape, weight and feel of a boxed game. I was giddy as I opened it imagining something great like Street Fighter 2 Turbo or Metroid Prime...but it was Brunswick Bowling. This came from my oldest sisters husband. They're about 20 years older than me if you're thinking I must be off my rocker for getting a SNES game on my birthday from my brother in law, but I digress. The level of disappointment was ranking about flannel pjs on the lame present scale and I don't think I could have faked being excited. At least he had the decency to peel the clearance store off it when he pulled it out of the bargain bin at Toys R Us. I played this one time and that was it. Still have it to this day though, it being the only surviving game after my mom got rid of my SNES. Life just does you dirty that way sometimes.